Thursday, February 3, 2011
I've found it a bit hard to write lately, I know it has been months. Its not that I haven't had time or anything, there's no excuse so I won't try and make one. I've just not done it. Hopefully this will break down the wall a little bit, and my next post will follow much sooner. Everything is changing. Everything that was once familiar is now complicated or nonexistent. Losing my grandfather on my mother's side so closely to my grandmother on my father's side has been something that hasn't been easy by any means. For the entire year I was gone a looked forward to the Holidays back at home, spending time with family and thinking back to Holidays past. Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year's celebrations this year have not only been the first ones since my return from combat, but also the first holidays without them. You can feel the tension and heaviness on both sides of the family, and its hard to watch from 1600 miles away as we try to pick up the pieces, dust off old pictures, think about the way it used to be, put what we can save on a shelf, and move on. So many moments, memories, traditions taken for granted. It makes it even harder that I wasn't able to be with them for their last ones. Its hard enough to see my family go through this, but because they've never been where I have and never done what I did, because they were there when I couldn't be, they can't know what its like for me. Knowing I'll deploy again makes it even harder, there is a lot that can happen in a year. What won't be there when I get back this time? What will I miss out on while I'm gone? What will I wish I had done before I left? Questions without answers.